"It's not about finding the perfect person but being the perfect person..."
Too many of us spend our lives looking for THE perfect person. We sometimes think we have found the perfect person for us and when we get closer, we discover the person's weaknesses (or humanity) and we think that we made a mistake. Unhappy married people think this too.
But in reality, there is no such thing as a perfect person just for you. Yes, there are some people who are more compatible for us but humans are evolving beings...we can change according to our environment, our choices, what we spend time doing etc.
I once heard this from a relationship psychologist. Love is made up of 3 elements;
* Passion
* Intimacy
* Commitment.
When we fall in love, the passion element is fulfilled. When we start sharing our lives with the other person, we start creating intimacy. But the final essence of love; commitment, is normally where failed couples are unable to overcome.
Commitment.
To be able to commit to someone for the rest of your life, you have to reach a stage of self-awareness and maturity that enables you to be able to stay faithful and connected to the other person...through hell (as it may be), not just when it feels like heaven.
The good news is that staying committed to someone can be made so much easier if we have developed relationship-building skills. And even more encouraging is that these skills can be learnt. Skills such as communication, negotiation, compromise and sacrifice.
Listen to the words of a wise person "Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, beautiful old people are works of art."
Two old people in a loving, beautiful, caring relationship is truly a work of art. A beautiful work of art such as the Statue of David by Michelangelo cannot be created in a short amount of time, it requires many hours of chipping away at sharp edges, polishing dull surfaces and careful attention of work.
Too many of us are rushing into and out of relationships, trying to find the perfect person. If you have someone's love and hallelujah, you actually love the person back...appreciate your blessing. It's true what they say, "good things take time".
Monday, April 26, 2010
Friday, April 16, 2010
How to Recognize A Relationship Idol Part 1
What comes to your mind when someone mentions an idol? Common answers will probably be religious statues or more probably American Idol.
But have you ever heard of a Relationship Idol?
It may be a new term but I can guarantee that you have done it before, if not once, then many times like I have.
A Relationship Idol is someone you "worship" in a relationship. It could be a friend, a teacher, a boss, an estranged father, your dream guy or dream girl.
Worship is not limited to singing songs, bowing or prostrating with our physical bodies but our hearts also can be worshipping.
You know that you've got a Relationship Idol when a person becomes more important to you than anything else. Without him or her, you feel that you can't be happy; you can't enjoy life; you lose hope of finding someone else; you don't feel secure; there's no purpose for life...everything depends on that person.
I was only a schoolgirl when I had my first Relationship Idol. To me, he was THE GUY. He was serious, quiet, into books (this indicated intelligence to me) and simply...nice. I often saw him sitting by himself in a corner reading and my heart just went "awwwwww...." It didn't matter that I knew almost NOTHING about him and that he hardly ever spoke a word to me. In my mind, I made up my own fantasies about him and for me, he was perfect. But really, he was a Relationship Idol. (Later when I got to know him better, I found out he wasn't that nice, he was not overly intelligent and he only read because he was new at school and didn't have friends yet).
Now, I am sure this is a common school story. But does it change much when we grow up? If we're single and looking for THE SPECIAL PERSON, we're looking for more refined things now such as thoughtfulness, sharing, trustworthiness, loyalty, sense of humour, wisdom and of course for some of you, beauty or good looks.
If we're married, our spouses may still be our Relationship Idols or it could be a mother that has never loved us, a father who never compliments us or a boss that we can never please enough.
Let me be honest with you now...ALL OF US HAVE IDOLS. If you don't think you have one, you may be your own idol (ie. you are a little narcissistic). Just look a little harder, you will find one.
And that's because our hearts DESIRE to have SOMEONE TO WORSHIP. It sprays colour into our lives, fills up emptiness...gives us a reason to live.
The problem with a Relationship Idol is that the person we idolize is not perfect. The person can not only be a source of joy, he or she can also be a severe source of pain.
I have had so many Relationship Idols myself and also, counselled many friends about recognizing their Relationship Idols that I can vouch for this.
So what's the solution? Are we doomed if our hearts will always desire to worship someone?
That depends on who you choose as your Relationship Idol. If you choose someone imperfect, you're bound to experience pain. But who can ever be perfect?
For me, I chose God. Simply because I knew no one else who would never lie to me, sell me short, disappoint me, hurt me.
Simple solution but not so simple to follow.
First of all, do you believe that God exists?
Secondly, do you believe that God is perfect? (that is, He is all-caring, all-forgiving, all-knowing, all-loving).
I read this many years before, "God is love." 1 John 4:16.
This does not mean that love in itself is god, but that God is made up of love.
And if you do believe all these things, is there a Relationship Idol in the place of God in your heart? In other words, is there someone in your life that you can't live without and you'd give everything up just to find happiness with this person, even if it means putting God in second place in your life?
If you want to hear a story about one of my own recent "infatuation" Relationship Idols, check out "How to Recognize a Relationship Idol Part 2."
But have you ever heard of a Relationship Idol?
It may be a new term but I can guarantee that you have done it before, if not once, then many times like I have.
A Relationship Idol is someone you "worship" in a relationship. It could be a friend, a teacher, a boss, an estranged father, your dream guy or dream girl.
Worship is not limited to singing songs, bowing or prostrating with our physical bodies but our hearts also can be worshipping.
You know that you've got a Relationship Idol when a person becomes more important to you than anything else. Without him or her, you feel that you can't be happy; you can't enjoy life; you lose hope of finding someone else; you don't feel secure; there's no purpose for life...everything depends on that person.
I was only a schoolgirl when I had my first Relationship Idol. To me, he was THE GUY. He was serious, quiet, into books (this indicated intelligence to me) and simply...nice. I often saw him sitting by himself in a corner reading and my heart just went "awwwwww...." It didn't matter that I knew almost NOTHING about him and that he hardly ever spoke a word to me. In my mind, I made up my own fantasies about him and for me, he was perfect. But really, he was a Relationship Idol. (Later when I got to know him better, I found out he wasn't that nice, he was not overly intelligent and he only read because he was new at school and didn't have friends yet).
Now, I am sure this is a common school story. But does it change much when we grow up? If we're single and looking for THE SPECIAL PERSON, we're looking for more refined things now such as thoughtfulness, sharing, trustworthiness, loyalty, sense of humour, wisdom and of course for some of you, beauty or good looks.
If we're married, our spouses may still be our Relationship Idols or it could be a mother that has never loved us, a father who never compliments us or a boss that we can never please enough.
Let me be honest with you now...ALL OF US HAVE IDOLS. If you don't think you have one, you may be your own idol (ie. you are a little narcissistic). Just look a little harder, you will find one.
And that's because our hearts DESIRE to have SOMEONE TO WORSHIP. It sprays colour into our lives, fills up emptiness...gives us a reason to live.
The problem with a Relationship Idol is that the person we idolize is not perfect. The person can not only be a source of joy, he or she can also be a severe source of pain.
I have had so many Relationship Idols myself and also, counselled many friends about recognizing their Relationship Idols that I can vouch for this.
So what's the solution? Are we doomed if our hearts will always desire to worship someone?
That depends on who you choose as your Relationship Idol. If you choose someone imperfect, you're bound to experience pain. But who can ever be perfect?
For me, I chose God. Simply because I knew no one else who would never lie to me, sell me short, disappoint me, hurt me.
Simple solution but not so simple to follow.
First of all, do you believe that God exists?
Secondly, do you believe that God is perfect? (that is, He is all-caring, all-forgiving, all-knowing, all-loving).
I read this many years before, "God is love." 1 John 4:16.
This does not mean that love in itself is god, but that God is made up of love.
And if you do believe all these things, is there a Relationship Idol in the place of God in your heart? In other words, is there someone in your life that you can't live without and you'd give everything up just to find happiness with this person, even if it means putting God in second place in your life?
If you want to hear a story about one of my own recent "infatuation" Relationship Idols, check out "How to Recognize a Relationship Idol Part 2."
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Quote for Today
"If you live like everything depended on you, you will burn out. If you live like everything depended on God, you will end up doing nothing." Quote.
God could have saved the world without us, but He chose to do it WITH us. We are His hands, His feet, His body. God would rather do it with us, then on His own. It's our job to find the right balance in dependence on God and acting in faith.
God could have saved the world without us, but He chose to do it WITH us. We are His hands, His feet, His body. God would rather do it with us, then on His own. It's our job to find the right balance in dependence on God and acting in faith.
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