I heard a radio programme, Focus on the Family, where they were discussing the needs of men and women in relationships. I always find such information fascinating because let's admit it, who doesn't want to be a better wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend/person? So I thought I'd share it with you and add in my own personal experiences.
Top 3 Needs of a Man from his Woman:
1. Need to be the hero in his woman's life.
Every boy's dream is to be the knight in shining armour, the superman who saves the day, the hero who wins the heart of his beautiful princess. In daily life, men often feel discouraged, unsure or belittled by life's pressures, expectations and people's negative feedback. Because the woman is the most important person in a man's life, the woman plays the most important part in helping him regain his sense of who he is. Women often underestimate their power in their man's life. So if you want your man to be the hero in your life, treat and speak to him like he already is. Respect him because he needs your respect to be the man that you want him to be.
2. Need to have his woman be his greatest team mate (ie. supporter, cheerleader etc).
Every man has his own God-given battle to fight. Whether it be creating the world's finest artistic masterpiece or being the best man he can be as a husband and father. Men often look firstly (and naturally) to their women as their team mate and they desire their woman's support and trust in them to win their individual God-given battle.
3. Need to be desired by his woman and have sexual fulfillment.
Need I say more? Well, actually maybe I should. For women, they create emotional intimacy with their men through intimate sharing and talking. For men, who are generally not talkers, sex is a way of creating emotional intimacy with their woman. (However, where a man does not truly love a woman, sex can be just a vehicle of fulfilling his sexual needs and his heart can be totally isolated from the physical act. So how do you know if he truly loves you? If he's committed to you in marriage, you can be sure that he loves you and is in for the long term. In my opinion, sex is such a powerfully emotionally bonding act that it's meant for an equally powerful commitment in marriage).
Top 2 Needs of a Woman from her Man:
1. Need to feel pursued/cherished/special/desired by her man.
Just like every man's dream is to be a superhero, every woman's dream is to be the beautiful princess. And the top person she wants to get this from is her man. Every woman wants to feel pursued and desired by her man because it indicates that she is worth a lot for him to put all that effort in. Although a woman knows she may not be the most beautiful woman in the world, it's enough if she is the most beautiful woman to her man because then, she is special to an important person in her life.
2. Need to feel protected.
Women in developed countries nowadays have nearly equal opportunities to men to education, work and training. Because of this, women now are as intelligent, capable and independent as their male peers. And they want to be respected as such. However, when it comes to a relationship, women still want to feel protected by their men. Protection can come in the form of physical protection, financial provision, emotional support and spiritual leadership.
My own personal thoughts (through others and my own experience):
Additional Need of a Man from his Woman:
Need to have his Woman happy while she is with him.
I am surprised that it's taken me so long to get this. Men are simple creatures when compared to women (really). Happy woman = happy man. So if she is unhappy in the relationship, he is unhappy too because he somehow feels like he is incapable of making her happy. So women, learn to be happy in your relationship with your man. He needs to know that he brings you happiness in the relationship.
Additional Need of a Woman from her Man:
Need to be continually regarded as beautiful, attractive, adored by her Man and for him to remain faithful.
We all know that we tend to take things for granted after a while. A beautiful view of the mountains will seem common after you have looked at the same view for the 99th time. It's understandable that over time, a man may find his woman not as captivating like when he first saw her. And if she catches him staring at other women (even if he doesn't intend to leave her), she starts feeling even less attractive and insecure. If a woman perceives that her man somehow no longer finds her as attractive, she may start losing faith in his love and believe that there is not much point trying to make herself attractive to her man anymore. She may start focussing on the kids or on other things and less on herself and him. And she does indeed becomes less attractive in reality. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. So men, adore her and tell her how beautiful she is and she is more likely to believe it, take care of herself and want to make you happy.
Let me know what you all think.
Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
Monday, May 24, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
What is Love Made of and Being the Perfect Person
"It's not about finding the perfect person but being the perfect person..."
Too many of us spend our lives looking for THE perfect person. We sometimes think we have found the perfect person for us and when we get closer, we discover the person's weaknesses (or humanity) and we think that we made a mistake. Unhappy married people think this too.
But in reality, there is no such thing as a perfect person just for you. Yes, there are some people who are more compatible for us but humans are evolving beings...we can change according to our environment, our choices, what we spend time doing etc.
I once heard this from a relationship psychologist. Love is made up of 3 elements;
* Passion
* Intimacy
* Commitment.
When we fall in love, the passion element is fulfilled. When we start sharing our lives with the other person, we start creating intimacy. But the final essence of love; commitment, is normally where failed couples are unable to overcome.
Commitment.
To be able to commit to someone for the rest of your life, you have to reach a stage of self-awareness and maturity that enables you to be able to stay faithful and connected to the other person...through hell (as it may be), not just when it feels like heaven.
The good news is that staying committed to someone can be made so much easier if we have developed relationship-building skills. And even more encouraging is that these skills can be learnt. Skills such as communication, negotiation, compromise and sacrifice.
Listen to the words of a wise person "Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, beautiful old people are works of art."
Two old people in a loving, beautiful, caring relationship is truly a work of art. A beautiful work of art such as the Statue of David by Michelangelo cannot be created in a short amount of time, it requires many hours of chipping away at sharp edges, polishing dull surfaces and careful attention of work.
Too many of us are rushing into and out of relationships, trying to find the perfect person. If you have someone's love and hallelujah, you actually love the person back...appreciate your blessing. It's true what they say, "good things take time".
Too many of us spend our lives looking for THE perfect person. We sometimes think we have found the perfect person for us and when we get closer, we discover the person's weaknesses (or humanity) and we think that we made a mistake. Unhappy married people think this too.
But in reality, there is no such thing as a perfect person just for you. Yes, there are some people who are more compatible for us but humans are evolving beings...we can change according to our environment, our choices, what we spend time doing etc.
I once heard this from a relationship psychologist. Love is made up of 3 elements;
* Passion
* Intimacy
* Commitment.
When we fall in love, the passion element is fulfilled. When we start sharing our lives with the other person, we start creating intimacy. But the final essence of love; commitment, is normally where failed couples are unable to overcome.
Commitment.
To be able to commit to someone for the rest of your life, you have to reach a stage of self-awareness and maturity that enables you to be able to stay faithful and connected to the other person...through hell (as it may be), not just when it feels like heaven.
The good news is that staying committed to someone can be made so much easier if we have developed relationship-building skills. And even more encouraging is that these skills can be learnt. Skills such as communication, negotiation, compromise and sacrifice.
Listen to the words of a wise person "Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, beautiful old people are works of art."
Two old people in a loving, beautiful, caring relationship is truly a work of art. A beautiful work of art such as the Statue of David by Michelangelo cannot be created in a short amount of time, it requires many hours of chipping away at sharp edges, polishing dull surfaces and careful attention of work.
Too many of us are rushing into and out of relationships, trying to find the perfect person. If you have someone's love and hallelujah, you actually love the person back...appreciate your blessing. It's true what they say, "good things take time".
Friday, April 16, 2010
How to Recognize A Relationship Idol Part 1
What comes to your mind when someone mentions an idol? Common answers will probably be religious statues or more probably American Idol.
But have you ever heard of a Relationship Idol?
It may be a new term but I can guarantee that you have done it before, if not once, then many times like I have.
A Relationship Idol is someone you "worship" in a relationship. It could be a friend, a teacher, a boss, an estranged father, your dream guy or dream girl.
Worship is not limited to singing songs, bowing or prostrating with our physical bodies but our hearts also can be worshipping.
You know that you've got a Relationship Idol when a person becomes more important to you than anything else. Without him or her, you feel that you can't be happy; you can't enjoy life; you lose hope of finding someone else; you don't feel secure; there's no purpose for life...everything depends on that person.
I was only a schoolgirl when I had my first Relationship Idol. To me, he was THE GUY. He was serious, quiet, into books (this indicated intelligence to me) and simply...nice. I often saw him sitting by himself in a corner reading and my heart just went "awwwwww...." It didn't matter that I knew almost NOTHING about him and that he hardly ever spoke a word to me. In my mind, I made up my own fantasies about him and for me, he was perfect. But really, he was a Relationship Idol. (Later when I got to know him better, I found out he wasn't that nice, he was not overly intelligent and he only read because he was new at school and didn't have friends yet).
Now, I am sure this is a common school story. But does it change much when we grow up? If we're single and looking for THE SPECIAL PERSON, we're looking for more refined things now such as thoughtfulness, sharing, trustworthiness, loyalty, sense of humour, wisdom and of course for some of you, beauty or good looks.
If we're married, our spouses may still be our Relationship Idols or it could be a mother that has never loved us, a father who never compliments us or a boss that we can never please enough.
Let me be honest with you now...ALL OF US HAVE IDOLS. If you don't think you have one, you may be your own idol (ie. you are a little narcissistic). Just look a little harder, you will find one.
And that's because our hearts DESIRE to have SOMEONE TO WORSHIP. It sprays colour into our lives, fills up emptiness...gives us a reason to live.
The problem with a Relationship Idol is that the person we idolize is not perfect. The person can not only be a source of joy, he or she can also be a severe source of pain.
I have had so many Relationship Idols myself and also, counselled many friends about recognizing their Relationship Idols that I can vouch for this.
So what's the solution? Are we doomed if our hearts will always desire to worship someone?
That depends on who you choose as your Relationship Idol. If you choose someone imperfect, you're bound to experience pain. But who can ever be perfect?
For me, I chose God. Simply because I knew no one else who would never lie to me, sell me short, disappoint me, hurt me.
Simple solution but not so simple to follow.
First of all, do you believe that God exists?
Secondly, do you believe that God is perfect? (that is, He is all-caring, all-forgiving, all-knowing, all-loving).
I read this many years before, "God is love." 1 John 4:16.
This does not mean that love in itself is god, but that God is made up of love.
And if you do believe all these things, is there a Relationship Idol in the place of God in your heart? In other words, is there someone in your life that you can't live without and you'd give everything up just to find happiness with this person, even if it means putting God in second place in your life?
If you want to hear a story about one of my own recent "infatuation" Relationship Idols, check out "How to Recognize a Relationship Idol Part 2."
But have you ever heard of a Relationship Idol?
It may be a new term but I can guarantee that you have done it before, if not once, then many times like I have.
A Relationship Idol is someone you "worship" in a relationship. It could be a friend, a teacher, a boss, an estranged father, your dream guy or dream girl.
Worship is not limited to singing songs, bowing or prostrating with our physical bodies but our hearts also can be worshipping.
You know that you've got a Relationship Idol when a person becomes more important to you than anything else. Without him or her, you feel that you can't be happy; you can't enjoy life; you lose hope of finding someone else; you don't feel secure; there's no purpose for life...everything depends on that person.
I was only a schoolgirl when I had my first Relationship Idol. To me, he was THE GUY. He was serious, quiet, into books (this indicated intelligence to me) and simply...nice. I often saw him sitting by himself in a corner reading and my heart just went "awwwwww...." It didn't matter that I knew almost NOTHING about him and that he hardly ever spoke a word to me. In my mind, I made up my own fantasies about him and for me, he was perfect. But really, he was a Relationship Idol. (Later when I got to know him better, I found out he wasn't that nice, he was not overly intelligent and he only read because he was new at school and didn't have friends yet).
Now, I am sure this is a common school story. But does it change much when we grow up? If we're single and looking for THE SPECIAL PERSON, we're looking for more refined things now such as thoughtfulness, sharing, trustworthiness, loyalty, sense of humour, wisdom and of course for some of you, beauty or good looks.
If we're married, our spouses may still be our Relationship Idols or it could be a mother that has never loved us, a father who never compliments us or a boss that we can never please enough.
Let me be honest with you now...ALL OF US HAVE IDOLS. If you don't think you have one, you may be your own idol (ie. you are a little narcissistic). Just look a little harder, you will find one.
And that's because our hearts DESIRE to have SOMEONE TO WORSHIP. It sprays colour into our lives, fills up emptiness...gives us a reason to live.
The problem with a Relationship Idol is that the person we idolize is not perfect. The person can not only be a source of joy, he or she can also be a severe source of pain.
I have had so many Relationship Idols myself and also, counselled many friends about recognizing their Relationship Idols that I can vouch for this.
So what's the solution? Are we doomed if our hearts will always desire to worship someone?
That depends on who you choose as your Relationship Idol. If you choose someone imperfect, you're bound to experience pain. But who can ever be perfect?
For me, I chose God. Simply because I knew no one else who would never lie to me, sell me short, disappoint me, hurt me.
Simple solution but not so simple to follow.
First of all, do you believe that God exists?
Secondly, do you believe that God is perfect? (that is, He is all-caring, all-forgiving, all-knowing, all-loving).
I read this many years before, "God is love." 1 John 4:16.
This does not mean that love in itself is god, but that God is made up of love.
And if you do believe all these things, is there a Relationship Idol in the place of God in your heart? In other words, is there someone in your life that you can't live without and you'd give everything up just to find happiness with this person, even if it means putting God in second place in your life?
If you want to hear a story about one of my own recent "infatuation" Relationship Idols, check out "How to Recognize a Relationship Idol Part 2."
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
God: "Are you not still my darling child?"
I have loved God for nearly 11 years now. And during that time, in love with Him too. What do I mean by that?
Well, I've only had 1 serious relationship. And after that, I have been doing life as a fully alive, happy single with lots of friends. Of course, occasionally I would experience the pangs of wanting a boyfriend but it never lasted very long as my life was so full of God and people.
That is until I hit 26 years old. When I was in college, I had dreamed that I would be married at 27. But at 26 years, I was still nowhere near a serious relationship, let alone, a marriage. I suddenly realised that I had to get serious about meeting the right guys if I wanted to be married.
Don't get me wrong, I was always meeting plenty of nice, eligible guys. But since my focus was on serving God and helping others, I seldom spent my time getting to know them. And so, my friendships with them were on a "Hi!" and "Bye!" shallow basis.
At 26, it suddenly occurred to me that I could be single for the rest of my life...Was that what I wanted? I told myself, NO. If God called me to be single, then fine. But if I had a choice, NO.
This was when my struggles started. My struggles against God, against myself, against others.
I sincerely believed God loved me. And I loved Him. But why was it that other girls were having these amazing guys falling at their feet whilst there were none at mine?
Was I worthy of being in a relationship? Would I make a good girlfriend/wife or would it result in misery?
I decided firmly that I had to find some balance in my life. Time with serving God and friends but also time for searching for my guy.
As a result of my decision, I changed myself. A lot.
I dressed and behaved differently.
I gave up my career (which I felt was making me into someone difficult to live with).
I hung out with different people. And this last decision cost me a lot. It cost me many friends and earned me many tears.
The other side of the coin was, I did start getting to know nice, eligible guys. I enjoyed the new friendships. I loved the attention I got as I never had before.
This went on for about 3 years. And during this time, I lost myself.
I forgot my first love for God.
I forgot how beautiful God told me I was.
I simply forgot who God made me to be and who I already was.
Often, the laughter and fun that I had with my new friends hid the inner confusion and lost I felt.
But when you've been in love with God, you never forget it.
And you never can let it go.
And God knew. God sent a few special people to remind me of the girl I once had been. These people showed me true beauty, encouraged me, affirmed me, comforted me, excited me, gave me hope.
Once, I cried as I talked to a girl who was totally in love with God. I cried because I wanted to be like her again. I wanted to be in love with God again.
But I felt that God expected me to change myself back to a happy girl with lots of friends who didn't mind being single. I missed my intimate relationship with God but I knew that I did mind.
But God loves us more than we will ever know.
A man in love with God once wrote
"May your roots go down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love.
And may you have the power to understand,
as all God's people should,
how wide,
how long,
how high, and
how deep his love really is."
Ephesians 4:17-18.
Today, I told God that I wanted to come back to Him. I wanted Him first in my life again. God sent me another loving reminder. I was praying when God gave me the thought to read the words of Jeremiah 31. I knew God was speaking to me.
And as if God wanted to make sure that I understood, he reminded me in verse 20 "Is not Israel still my son, my darling child?" This question brought tears to my eyes. I had always seen myself as God's baby, his special little girl.
And this took my breath away. God said "I long for you..."
GOD LONGED FOR ME??? How could that be? Was it possible? That the God of the World and Heaven would long for me?
And my heart said Yes. God longs for us.
Well, I've only had 1 serious relationship. And after that, I have been doing life as a fully alive, happy single with lots of friends. Of course, occasionally I would experience the pangs of wanting a boyfriend but it never lasted very long as my life was so full of God and people.
That is until I hit 26 years old. When I was in college, I had dreamed that I would be married at 27. But at 26 years, I was still nowhere near a serious relationship, let alone, a marriage. I suddenly realised that I had to get serious about meeting the right guys if I wanted to be married.
Don't get me wrong, I was always meeting plenty of nice, eligible guys. But since my focus was on serving God and helping others, I seldom spent my time getting to know them. And so, my friendships with them were on a "Hi!" and "Bye!" shallow basis.
At 26, it suddenly occurred to me that I could be single for the rest of my life...Was that what I wanted? I told myself, NO. If God called me to be single, then fine. But if I had a choice, NO.
This was when my struggles started. My struggles against God, against myself, against others.
I sincerely believed God loved me. And I loved Him. But why was it that other girls were having these amazing guys falling at their feet whilst there were none at mine?
Was I worthy of being in a relationship? Would I make a good girlfriend/wife or would it result in misery?
I decided firmly that I had to find some balance in my life. Time with serving God and friends but also time for searching for my guy.
As a result of my decision, I changed myself. A lot.
I dressed and behaved differently.
I gave up my career (which I felt was making me into someone difficult to live with).
I hung out with different people. And this last decision cost me a lot. It cost me many friends and earned me many tears.
The other side of the coin was, I did start getting to know nice, eligible guys. I enjoyed the new friendships. I loved the attention I got as I never had before.
This went on for about 3 years. And during this time, I lost myself.
I forgot my first love for God.
I forgot how beautiful God told me I was.
I simply forgot who God made me to be and who I already was.
Often, the laughter and fun that I had with my new friends hid the inner confusion and lost I felt.
But when you've been in love with God, you never forget it.
And you never can let it go.
And God knew. God sent a few special people to remind me of the girl I once had been. These people showed me true beauty, encouraged me, affirmed me, comforted me, excited me, gave me hope.
Once, I cried as I talked to a girl who was totally in love with God. I cried because I wanted to be like her again. I wanted to be in love with God again.
But I felt that God expected me to change myself back to a happy girl with lots of friends who didn't mind being single. I missed my intimate relationship with God but I knew that I did mind.
But God loves us more than we will ever know.
A man in love with God once wrote
"May your roots go down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love.
And may you have the power to understand,
as all God's people should,
how wide,
how long,
how high, and
how deep his love really is."
Ephesians 4:17-18.
Today, I told God that I wanted to come back to Him. I wanted Him first in my life again. God sent me another loving reminder. I was praying when God gave me the thought to read the words of Jeremiah 31. I knew God was speaking to me.
And as if God wanted to make sure that I understood, he reminded me in verse 20 "Is not Israel still my son, my darling child?" This question brought tears to my eyes. I had always seen myself as God's baby, his special little girl.
And this took my breath away. God said "I long for you..."
GOD LONGED FOR ME??? How could that be? Was it possible? That the God of the World and Heaven would long for me?
And my heart said Yes. God longs for us.
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