Monday, April 26, 2010

What is Love Made of and Being the Perfect Person

"It's not about finding the perfect person but being the perfect person..."

Too many of us spend our lives looking for THE perfect person. We sometimes think we have found the perfect person for us and when we get closer, we discover the person's weaknesses (or humanity) and we think that we made a mistake. Unhappy married people think this too.

But in reality, there is no such thing as a perfect person just for you. Yes, there are some people who are more compatible for us but humans are evolving beings...we can change according to our environment, our choices, what we spend time doing etc.

I once heard this from a relationship psychologist. Love is made up of 3 elements;
* Passion
* Intimacy
* Commitment.

When we fall in love, the passion element is fulfilled. When we start sharing our lives with the other person, we start creating intimacy. But the final essence of love; commitment, is normally where failed couples are unable to overcome.

Commitment.


To be able to commit to someone for the rest of your life, you have to reach a stage of self-awareness and maturity that enables you to be able to stay faithful and connected to the other person...through hell (as it may be), not just when it feels like heaven.

The good news is that staying committed to someone can be made so much easier if we have developed relationship-building skills. And even more encouraging is that these skills can be learnt. Skills such as communication, negotiation, compromise and sacrifice.

Listen to the words of a wise person "Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, beautiful old people are works of art."

Two old people in a loving, beautiful, caring relationship is truly a work of art. A beautiful work of art such as the Statue of David by Michelangelo cannot be created in a short amount of time, it requires many hours of chipping away at sharp edges, polishing dull surfaces and careful attention of work.

Too many of us are rushing into and out of relationships, trying to find the perfect person. If you have someone's love and hallelujah, you actually love the person back...appreciate your blessing. It's true what they say, "good things take time".

Friday, April 16, 2010

How to Recognize A Relationship Idol Part 1

What comes to your mind when someone mentions an idol? Common answers will probably be religious statues or more probably American Idol.

But have you ever heard of a Relationship Idol?

It may be a new term but I can guarantee that you have done it before, if not once, then many times like I have.

A Relationship Idol is someone you "worship" in a relationship. It could be a friend, a teacher, a boss, an estranged father, your dream guy or dream girl.

Worship is not limited to singing songs, bowing or prostrating with our physical bodies but our hearts also can be worshipping.

You know that you've got a Relationship Idol when a person becomes more important to you than anything else. Without him or her, you feel that you can't be happy; you can't enjoy life; you lose hope of finding someone else; you don't feel secure; there's no purpose for life...everything depends on that person.

I was only a schoolgirl when I had my first Relationship Idol. To me, he was THE GUY. He was serious, quiet, into books (this indicated intelligence to me) and simply...nice. I often saw him sitting by himself in a corner reading and my heart just went "awwwwww...." It didn't matter that I knew almost NOTHING about him and that he hardly ever spoke a word to me. In my mind, I made up my own fantasies about him and for me, he was perfect. But really, he was a Relationship Idol. (Later when I got to know him better, I found out he wasn't that nice, he was not overly intelligent and he only read because he was new at school and didn't have friends yet).

Now, I am sure this is a common school story. But does it change much when we grow up? If we're single and looking for THE SPECIAL PERSON, we're looking for more refined things now such as thoughtfulness, sharing, trustworthiness, loyalty, sense of humour, wisdom and of course for some of you, beauty or good looks.

If we're married, our spouses may still be our Relationship Idols or it could be a mother that has never loved us, a father who never compliments us or a boss that we can never please enough.

Let me be honest with you now...ALL OF US HAVE IDOLS. If you don't think you have one, you may be your own idol (ie. you are a little narcissistic). Just look a little harder, you will find one.

And that's because our hearts DESIRE to have SOMEONE TO WORSHIP. It sprays colour into our lives, fills up emptiness...gives us a reason to live.

The problem with a Relationship Idol is that the person we idolize is not perfect. The person can not only be a source of joy, he or she can also be a severe source of pain.

I have had so many Relationship Idols myself and also, counselled many friends about recognizing their Relationship Idols that I can vouch for this.

So what's the solution? Are we doomed if our hearts will always desire to worship someone?

That depends on who you choose as your Relationship Idol. If you choose someone imperfect, you're bound to experience pain. But who can ever be perfect?

For me, I chose God. Simply because I knew no one else who would never lie to me, sell me short, disappoint me, hurt me.

Simple solution but not so simple to follow.

First of all, do you believe that God exists?

Secondly, do you believe that God is perfect? (that is, He is all-caring, all-forgiving, all-knowing, all-loving).

I read this many years before, "God is love." 1 John 4:16.
This does not mean that love in itself is god, but that God is made up of love.

And if you do believe all these things, is there a Relationship Idol in the place of God in your heart? In other words, is there someone in your life that you can't live without and you'd give everything up just to find happiness with this person, even if it means putting God in second place in your life?

If you want to hear a story about one of my own recent "infatuation" Relationship Idols, check out "How to Recognize a Relationship Idol Part 2."

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Quote for Today

"If you live like everything depended on you, you will burn out. If you live like everything depended on God, you will end up doing nothing." Quote.
God could have saved the world without us, but He chose to do it WITH us. We are His hands, His feet, His body. God would rather do it with us, then on His own. It's our job to find the right balance in dependence on God and acting in faith.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Making a Way For Me

Does God answer prayers? Certainly.

I have just witnessed God answering many seemingly simple but sincere prayers of many people over the past 2 weeks.

One of the prayers answered has been mine.

I have been wanting to start a business for quite a few years now. Although I am a University graduate, I took no business papers and have no business management work experience. One of the biggest obstacles to me starting up the business was a sheer lack of practical business skills.

On top of that, I have been struggling with a major dose of doubt...Is there a market for what I want to do? Is anyone going to want to pay? Yada, yada. As soon as I overcame one doubt, another equally strong one would appear.

So I did nothing. There seemed to be no way for me to proceed.

Until February 2010. Now. I guess I had a good look at myself over the Christmas holidays and decided that I had stalled enough. It was "Do it!" and even if I had to fail, at the very least I would have learnt from the experience.

When I made that decision in my heart to press on with the business idea, miraculously, God started opening doors...one door, and another door, and yet another door...until I had so many open doors that I had to be careful what to say "Yes" to and "No" to. It was as if God was making a way for me where there had been none before for me to walk on.

I'm still tingling from seeing God's Hand at work in this. I am praying that He will continue to guide and provide.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." Matthew 7:7-8.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

God: "Are you not still my darling child?"

I have loved God for nearly 11 years now. And during that time, in love with Him too. What do I mean by that?

Well, I've only had 1 serious relationship. And after that, I have been doing life as a fully alive, happy single with lots of friends. Of course, occasionally I would experience the pangs of wanting a boyfriend but it never lasted very long as my life was so full of God and people.

That is until I hit 26 years old. When I was in college, I had dreamed that I would be married at 27. But at 26 years, I was still nowhere near a serious relationship, let alone, a marriage. I suddenly realised that I had to get serious about meeting the right guys if I wanted to be married.

Don't get me wrong, I was always meeting plenty of nice, eligible guys. But since my focus was on serving God and helping others, I seldom spent my time getting to know them. And so, my friendships with them were on a "Hi!" and "Bye!" shallow basis.

At 26, it suddenly occurred to me that I could be single for the rest of my life...Was that what I wanted? I told myself, NO. If God called me to be single, then fine. But if I had a choice, NO.

This was when my struggles started. My struggles against God, against myself, against others.

I sincerely believed God loved me. And I loved Him. But why was it that other girls were having these amazing guys falling at their feet whilst there were none at mine?

Was I worthy of being in a relationship? Would I make a good girlfriend/wife or would it result in misery?

I decided firmly that I had to find some balance in my life. Time with serving God and friends but also time for searching for my guy.

As a result of my decision, I changed myself. A lot.
I dressed and behaved differently.
I gave up my career (which I felt was making me into someone difficult to live with).
I hung out with different people. And this last decision cost me a lot. It cost me many friends and earned me many tears.

The other side of the coin was, I did start getting to know nice, eligible guys. I enjoyed the new friendships. I loved the attention I got as I never had before.

This went on for about 3 years. And during this time, I lost myself.
I forgot my first love for God.
I forgot how beautiful God told me I was.
I simply forgot who God made me to be and who I already was.

Often, the laughter and fun that I had with my new friends hid the inner confusion and lost I felt.
But when you've been in love with God, you never forget it.
And you never can let it go.

And God knew. God sent a few special people to remind me of the girl I once had been. These people showed me true beauty, encouraged me, affirmed me, comforted me, excited me, gave me hope.

Once, I cried as I talked to a girl who was totally in love with God. I cried because I wanted to be like her again. I wanted to be in love with God again.
But I felt that God expected me to change myself back to a happy girl with lots of friends who didn't mind being single. I missed my intimate relationship with God but I knew that I did mind.

But God loves us more than we will ever know.

A man in love with God once wrote
"May your roots go down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love.
And may you have the power to understand,
as all God's people should,
how wide,
how long,
how high, and
how deep his love really is."
Ephesians 4:17-18.

Today, I told God that I wanted to come back to Him. I wanted Him first in my life again. God sent me another loving reminder. I was praying when God gave me the thought to read the words of Jeremiah 31. I knew God was speaking to me.

And as if God wanted to make sure that I understood, he reminded me in verse 20 "Is not Israel still my son, my darling child?" This question brought tears to my eyes. I had always seen myself as God's baby, his special little girl.

And this took my breath away. God said "I long for you..."

GOD LONGED FOR ME??? How could that be? Was it possible? That the God of the World and Heaven would long for me?

And my heart said Yes. God longs for us.

Monday, January 25, 2010

The Truth Will Set You Free

I felt like I'd just woken up from a deep sleep...that I'd been in slumber from the hard truth...

1 to 2 years ago, I allowed myself to believe that a person I knew would sweep me off my feet, declare his undying love for me and would be my knight in shining armour and save me from the drudgery of life...

Friends told me otherwise but I refused to accept what they thought.

I refused to see the truth because I was afraid of the pain and loneliness I would feel if what they said was true...So I allowed myself to live in a delusion.

But God is too kind and loving to leave us in our delusions. Many times He tried to show me that this guy was not right for me but I refused to recognize God's voice and guidance.

But God never gave up on me. He continued to use close friends to tell me that this guy did not love me. God was indeed extremely faithful and kind to me...He protected and strengthened my heart and faith before I finally found out (the hard way) that this person did not love me.

I started to see the truth and I made a choice to believe it, instead of hiding from the pain. The pain didn't last forever...and I am free! The only thing I pray for is that I will never again wallow in such delusion, will heal wholly and can help others avoid the same pitfall I fell into.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Why Not to Judge the Annoying Men on The Street

If you read the title of this blog, part of it says, "..the Annoying Men on the Street". And I mean literally annoying.

I don't know if you've ever met this breed of Annoying Men. You are driving and you stop at a red traffic light. As you patiently wait for the lights to turn green, suddenly, from out of nowhere, a man normally slightly dishevelled and scary looking, pops up next to your car, and with a flourish of his hand, throws some slightly soapy looking water on your car's front window shield.

Before you can say "Noo!" he is already midway cleaning your window with the wind shield cleaning tool in his other hand (and even if you say No he will ignore you). With a few deft strokes, he is finished and then stands next to your car window, waiting expectantly for some money.

All this happens in less than 5 seconds.

Not only have you received a slight scare but now you struggle with feelings of guilt of whether to hand over some spare change for his service (that you never wanted and never asked for) or end up feeling like Mr Scrooge. I hate these people. I truly do.

That is until this morning.

I was waiting for a friend in the car and she was running late. Straight ahead, I noticed an Annoying Man at a busy traffic light intersection. He was equipped with the usual tools, a small clear bottle of soapy water and a window cleaning tool in his other hand. As usual, he looked slightly dishevelled and scary looking. I continued to stare from the side of the street.

When the first car arrived at the intersection and stopped for the lights, he was out there, cleaning the car's window shield. He finished and he stopped for a moment at the car driver's window and luckily for him, received some payment. The lights turned green and he quickly returned to the curb, out of harm's way. I felt the familiar churn in my stomach.

The lights turned red again and more cars stopped at the intersection. As on schedule, Annoying Man dashed out to the cars and cleaned more window shields. But this time, the drivers stood their ground and refused to give him anything. I felt slightly relieved that I was not the only Mr Scrooge in the world.

This happened another time when the lights turned red again. I was about to turn my attention away when out of the corner of my eye, as Annoying Man returned to the curb, I noticed him rubbing his right cleaning upper arm several times hard, like it hurt.

For the first time, it suddenly struck me that Annoying Man was tired, probably hated this "job" but he was doing it because he really needed the money.

And suddenly, I saw other things...how some cars hooted at him to get out of their way when the lights turned green, how he often didn't receive any payment. How he endangered his life (and to be honest, the life of others) by standing out on the street in traffic. How some drivers heartlessly drove away after he had put in some extra work cleaning bird poo on their window shields.

Life was tough for Annoying Man. True, I am pretty sure he does not pay any taxes from this "job" but at least he was working, wasn't he? And drivers with thoroughly dirty window shields were benefitting from this.

After a while, someone from a car offered Annoying Man a cigarette in return for his service and he took a break off to smoke it.

Watching Annoying Man at work taught me a few things...you never really know how tough it is for someone until you walk in their shoes. And we never can assume why people do the things they do until they share that with us.

I won't struggle so much about being Mr Scrooge now. I think I'll just hand over some money.

"Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen...to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter- when you see the naked, to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?" Isaiah 58:6-7.