I have loved God for nearly 11 years now. And during that time, in love with Him too. What do I mean by that?
Well, I've only had 1 serious relationship. And after that, I have been doing life as a fully alive, happy single with lots of friends. Of course, occasionally I would experience the pangs of wanting a boyfriend but it never lasted very long as my life was so full of God and people.
That is until I hit 26 years old. When I was in college, I had dreamed that I would be married at 27. But at 26 years, I was still nowhere near a serious relationship, let alone, a marriage. I suddenly realised that I had to get serious about meeting the right guys if I wanted to be married.
Don't get me wrong, I was always meeting plenty of nice, eligible guys. But since my focus was on serving God and helping others, I seldom spent my time getting to know them. And so, my friendships with them were on a "Hi!" and "Bye!" shallow basis.
At 26, it suddenly occurred to me that I could be single for the rest of my life...Was that what I wanted? I told myself, NO. If God called me to be single, then fine. But if I had a choice, NO.
This was when my struggles started. My struggles against God, against myself, against others.
I sincerely believed God loved me. And I loved Him. But why was it that other girls were having these amazing guys falling at their feet whilst there were none at mine?
Was I worthy of being in a relationship? Would I make a good girlfriend/wife or would it result in misery?
I decided firmly that I had to find some balance in my life. Time with serving God and friends but also time for searching for my guy.
As a result of my decision, I changed myself. A lot.
I dressed and behaved differently.
I gave up my career (which I felt was making me into someone difficult to live with).
I hung out with different people. And this last decision cost me a lot. It cost me many friends and earned me many tears.
The other side of the coin was, I did start getting to know nice, eligible guys. I enjoyed the new friendships. I loved the attention I got as I never had before.
This went on for about 3 years. And during this time, I lost myself.
I forgot my first love for God.
I forgot how beautiful God told me I was.
I simply forgot who God made me to be and who I already was.
Often, the laughter and fun that I had with my new friends hid the inner confusion and lost I felt.
But when you've been in love with God, you never forget it.
And you never can let it go.
And God knew. God sent a few special people to remind me of the girl I once had been. These people showed me true beauty, encouraged me, affirmed me, comforted me, excited me, gave me hope.
Once, I cried as I talked to a girl who was totally in love with God. I cried because I wanted to be like her again. I wanted to be in love with God again.
But I felt that God expected me to change myself back to a happy girl with lots of friends who didn't mind being single. I missed my intimate relationship with God but I knew that I did mind.
But God loves us more than we will ever know.
A man in love with God once wrote
"May your roots go down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love.
And may you have the power to understand,
as all God's people should,
how wide,
how long,
how high, and
how deep his love really is."
Ephesians 4:17-18.
Today, I told God that I wanted to come back to Him. I wanted Him first in my life again. God sent me another loving reminder. I was praying when God gave me the thought to read the words of Jeremiah 31. I knew God was speaking to me.
And as if God wanted to make sure that I understood, he reminded me in verse 20 "Is not Israel still my son, my darling child?" This question brought tears to my eyes. I had always seen myself as God's baby, his special little girl.
And this took my breath away. God said "I long for you..."
GOD LONGED FOR ME??? How could that be? Was it possible? That the God of the World and Heaven would long for me?
And my heart said Yes. God longs for us.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
The Truth Will Set You Free
I felt like I'd just woken up from a deep sleep...that I'd been in slumber from the hard truth...
1 to 2 years ago, I allowed myself to believe that a person I knew would sweep me off my feet, declare his undying love for me and would be my knight in shining armour and save me from the drudgery of life...
Friends told me otherwise but I refused to accept what they thought.
I refused to see the truth because I was afraid of the pain and loneliness I would feel if what they said was true...So I allowed myself to live in a delusion.
But God is too kind and loving to leave us in our delusions. Many times He tried to show me that this guy was not right for me but I refused to recognize God's voice and guidance.
But God never gave up on me. He continued to use close friends to tell me that this guy did not love me. God was indeed extremely faithful and kind to me...He protected and strengthened my heart and faith before I finally found out (the hard way) that this person did not love me.
I started to see the truth and I made a choice to believe it, instead of hiding from the pain. The pain didn't last forever...and I am free! The only thing I pray for is that I will never again wallow in such delusion, will heal wholly and can help others avoid the same pitfall I fell into.
1 to 2 years ago, I allowed myself to believe that a person I knew would sweep me off my feet, declare his undying love for me and would be my knight in shining armour and save me from the drudgery of life...
Friends told me otherwise but I refused to accept what they thought.
I refused to see the truth because I was afraid of the pain and loneliness I would feel if what they said was true...So I allowed myself to live in a delusion.
But God is too kind and loving to leave us in our delusions. Many times He tried to show me that this guy was not right for me but I refused to recognize God's voice and guidance.
But God never gave up on me. He continued to use close friends to tell me that this guy did not love me. God was indeed extremely faithful and kind to me...He protected and strengthened my heart and faith before I finally found out (the hard way) that this person did not love me.
I started to see the truth and I made a choice to believe it, instead of hiding from the pain. The pain didn't last forever...and I am free! The only thing I pray for is that I will never again wallow in such delusion, will heal wholly and can help others avoid the same pitfall I fell into.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Why Not to Judge the Annoying Men on The Street
If you read the title of this blog, part of it says, "..the Annoying Men on the Street". And I mean literally annoying.
I don't know if you've ever met this breed of Annoying Men. You are driving and you stop at a red traffic light. As you patiently wait for the lights to turn green, suddenly, from out of nowhere, a man normally slightly dishevelled and scary looking, pops up next to your car, and with a flourish of his hand, throws some slightly soapy looking water on your car's front window shield.
Before you can say "Noo!" he is already midway cleaning your window with the wind shield cleaning tool in his other hand (and even if you say No he will ignore you). With a few deft strokes, he is finished and then stands next to your car window, waiting expectantly for some money.
All this happens in less than 5 seconds.
Not only have you received a slight scare but now you struggle with feelings of guilt of whether to hand over some spare change for his service (that you never wanted and never asked for) or end up feeling like Mr Scrooge. I hate these people. I truly do.
That is until this morning.
I was waiting for a friend in the car and she was running late. Straight ahead, I noticed an Annoying Man at a busy traffic light intersection. He was equipped with the usual tools, a small clear bottle of soapy water and a window cleaning tool in his other hand. As usual, he looked slightly dishevelled and scary looking. I continued to stare from the side of the street.
When the first car arrived at the intersection and stopped for the lights, he was out there, cleaning the car's window shield. He finished and he stopped for a moment at the car driver's window and luckily for him, received some payment. The lights turned green and he quickly returned to the curb, out of harm's way. I felt the familiar churn in my stomach.
The lights turned red again and more cars stopped at the intersection. As on schedule, Annoying Man dashed out to the cars and cleaned more window shields. But this time, the drivers stood their ground and refused to give him anything. I felt slightly relieved that I was not the only Mr Scrooge in the world.
This happened another time when the lights turned red again. I was about to turn my attention away when out of the corner of my eye, as Annoying Man returned to the curb, I noticed him rubbing his right cleaning upper arm several times hard, like it hurt.
For the first time, it suddenly struck me that Annoying Man was tired, probably hated this "job" but he was doing it because he really needed the money.
And suddenly, I saw other things...how some cars hooted at him to get out of their way when the lights turned green, how he often didn't receive any payment. How he endangered his life (and to be honest, the life of others) by standing out on the street in traffic. How some drivers heartlessly drove away after he had put in some extra work cleaning bird poo on their window shields.
Life was tough for Annoying Man. True, I am pretty sure he does not pay any taxes from this "job" but at least he was working, wasn't he? And drivers with thoroughly dirty window shields were benefitting from this.
After a while, someone from a car offered Annoying Man a cigarette in return for his service and he took a break off to smoke it.
Watching Annoying Man at work taught me a few things...you never really know how tough it is for someone until you walk in their shoes. And we never can assume why people do the things they do until they share that with us.
I won't struggle so much about being Mr Scrooge now. I think I'll just hand over some money.
"Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen...to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter- when you see the naked, to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?" Isaiah 58:6-7.
I don't know if you've ever met this breed of Annoying Men. You are driving and you stop at a red traffic light. As you patiently wait for the lights to turn green, suddenly, from out of nowhere, a man normally slightly dishevelled and scary looking, pops up next to your car, and with a flourish of his hand, throws some slightly soapy looking water on your car's front window shield.
Before you can say "Noo!" he is already midway cleaning your window with the wind shield cleaning tool in his other hand (and even if you say No he will ignore you). With a few deft strokes, he is finished and then stands next to your car window, waiting expectantly for some money.
All this happens in less than 5 seconds.
Not only have you received a slight scare but now you struggle with feelings of guilt of whether to hand over some spare change for his service (that you never wanted and never asked for) or end up feeling like Mr Scrooge. I hate these people. I truly do.
That is until this morning.
I was waiting for a friend in the car and she was running late. Straight ahead, I noticed an Annoying Man at a busy traffic light intersection. He was equipped with the usual tools, a small clear bottle of soapy water and a window cleaning tool in his other hand. As usual, he looked slightly dishevelled and scary looking. I continued to stare from the side of the street.
When the first car arrived at the intersection and stopped for the lights, he was out there, cleaning the car's window shield. He finished and he stopped for a moment at the car driver's window and luckily for him, received some payment. The lights turned green and he quickly returned to the curb, out of harm's way. I felt the familiar churn in my stomach.
The lights turned red again and more cars stopped at the intersection. As on schedule, Annoying Man dashed out to the cars and cleaned more window shields. But this time, the drivers stood their ground and refused to give him anything. I felt slightly relieved that I was not the only Mr Scrooge in the world.
This happened another time when the lights turned red again. I was about to turn my attention away when out of the corner of my eye, as Annoying Man returned to the curb, I noticed him rubbing his right cleaning upper arm several times hard, like it hurt.
For the first time, it suddenly struck me that Annoying Man was tired, probably hated this "job" but he was doing it because he really needed the money.
And suddenly, I saw other things...how some cars hooted at him to get out of their way when the lights turned green, how he often didn't receive any payment. How he endangered his life (and to be honest, the life of others) by standing out on the street in traffic. How some drivers heartlessly drove away after he had put in some extra work cleaning bird poo on their window shields.
Life was tough for Annoying Man. True, I am pretty sure he does not pay any taxes from this "job" but at least he was working, wasn't he? And drivers with thoroughly dirty window shields were benefitting from this.
After a while, someone from a car offered Annoying Man a cigarette in return for his service and he took a break off to smoke it.
Watching Annoying Man at work taught me a few things...you never really know how tough it is for someone until you walk in their shoes. And we never can assume why people do the things they do until they share that with us.
I won't struggle so much about being Mr Scrooge now. I think I'll just hand over some money.
"Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen...to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter- when you see the naked, to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?" Isaiah 58:6-7.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Friendship Forever...
One of the greatest treasures in my life are my friendships.
Occasionally I meet with a kindred spirit and we immediately form a close bond of friendship. But most of my friendships go back a long way.
Friendships are living relationships. They don't remain static or the same all the time.
What's amazing about great friendships are that you know you can depend on them and that they will always be there for you when you truly need them, despite the passing of time and the changes of circumstance.
I have found that with some of my long time friendships, although we have moved into different worlds (I'm living in a different country and only get to see them once a year at the most)...when we hang out, it's like we can pick up the friendship from where we last left off.
I have made these observations about lasting friendships that transcend time and place:
1. Enjoying each other's presence
Be it sharing our deep, intimate joys and fears with each other or just having a crazy time of fun, one of the main reasons that my friendships have remained strong is because we truly do enjoy each other. With some friends, when we get together, we laugh so loud that we occasionally get stares from others. With other friends, they are my "sounding-board" and when I'm with them, I always get new revelations and comfort for my soul.
2. Having fair and reasonable expectations of the friendship
Be fair to your friends. Unreasonable expectations hurt friendships. If a bridge is only able to bear the weight of a 10 tonne truck, don't put a 20 tonne truck on it. Likewise, if a friendship has not matured to the extent that you can ask for huge sacrifices without creating resentment, don't make such demands. However, I also believe that a friendship can be stuck at a superficial level for far too long if either party is too embarrassed (or proud) to ask for help. It's great to ask for help (even if you're not sure if your friend will say yes) but don't be offended if the person says No. Knowing that you can depend on your friend is a sure sign that trust has been built in the friendship.
3. Being flexible when changes occur in the friendship over time and circumstance
As mentioned before,a friendship is a living relationship. It will have to adapt and change over time and circumstance in order to survive. Be prepared and open to change, even if it means having to let the person go if their commitments in life change. If friends deal with change well, this will only serve to strengthen the friendship.
4. Forgiving easily and fully
Friends, like the rest of the human species, are fallible. Unforgiveness is a poison that you drink to your own detriment. When we feel wronged by someone, we sometimes forget that we have often wronged others (consciously or unsconsciously). I read a wonderful quote once from a 5 year old boy and this has changed my perspective on love. We seem to always be afraid that the person we love will find out something bad about us and leave us. Love is when they inevitably do, not only do they forgive you, but they love you more.
5. Being there for each other
Strong friendships have strong significant moments in them. For example, when your cat died and your friend stayed with you while you cried through your box of Kleenex. When your boyfriend cheated on you and your friend supported you through your healing. It's amazing how one incident alone of kindness and support can create a lifelong bond of friendship.
The Bible has a teaching on how to love others and I think it is really excellent~
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth (friends tell you the truth). It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Occasionally I meet with a kindred spirit and we immediately form a close bond of friendship. But most of my friendships go back a long way.
Friendships are living relationships. They don't remain static or the same all the time.
What's amazing about great friendships are that you know you can depend on them and that they will always be there for you when you truly need them, despite the passing of time and the changes of circumstance.
I have found that with some of my long time friendships, although we have moved into different worlds (I'm living in a different country and only get to see them once a year at the most)...when we hang out, it's like we can pick up the friendship from where we last left off.
I have made these observations about lasting friendships that transcend time and place:
1. Enjoying each other's presence
Be it sharing our deep, intimate joys and fears with each other or just having a crazy time of fun, one of the main reasons that my friendships have remained strong is because we truly do enjoy each other. With some friends, when we get together, we laugh so loud that we occasionally get stares from others. With other friends, they are my "sounding-board" and when I'm with them, I always get new revelations and comfort for my soul.
2. Having fair and reasonable expectations of the friendship
Be fair to your friends. Unreasonable expectations hurt friendships. If a bridge is only able to bear the weight of a 10 tonne truck, don't put a 20 tonne truck on it. Likewise, if a friendship has not matured to the extent that you can ask for huge sacrifices without creating resentment, don't make such demands. However, I also believe that a friendship can be stuck at a superficial level for far too long if either party is too embarrassed (or proud) to ask for help. It's great to ask for help (even if you're not sure if your friend will say yes) but don't be offended if the person says No. Knowing that you can depend on your friend is a sure sign that trust has been built in the friendship.
3. Being flexible when changes occur in the friendship over time and circumstance
As mentioned before,a friendship is a living relationship. It will have to adapt and change over time and circumstance in order to survive. Be prepared and open to change, even if it means having to let the person go if their commitments in life change. If friends deal with change well, this will only serve to strengthen the friendship.
4. Forgiving easily and fully
Friends, like the rest of the human species, are fallible. Unforgiveness is a poison that you drink to your own detriment. When we feel wronged by someone, we sometimes forget that we have often wronged others (consciously or unsconsciously). I read a wonderful quote once from a 5 year old boy and this has changed my perspective on love. We seem to always be afraid that the person we love will find out something bad about us and leave us. Love is when they inevitably do, not only do they forgive you, but they love you more.
5. Being there for each other
Strong friendships have strong significant moments in them. For example, when your cat died and your friend stayed with you while you cried through your box of Kleenex. When your boyfriend cheated on you and your friend supported you through your healing. It's amazing how one incident alone of kindness and support can create a lifelong bond of friendship.
The Bible has a teaching on how to love others and I think it is really excellent~
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth (friends tell you the truth). It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Monday, January 11, 2010
My first heart2heart
Why am I sharing heart2heart?
Because a close, much loved, kindred friend encouraged me to.
She feels that I have much to share, not only from my own journey, but also from the journeys of others that I have come to be touched by.
And this is true, I have been blessed to have shared and listened to the journeys of some amazing people.
Ordinary everyday people, but yet, so extraordinary.
My writings will mainly be real life stories (including spiritual issues) but also about lessons learnt. Splashed with lots of hope, faith and love :)
I am open to constructive, kind feedback. Feel free to post me any questions or comments.
Because a close, much loved, kindred friend encouraged me to.
She feels that I have much to share, not only from my own journey, but also from the journeys of others that I have come to be touched by.
And this is true, I have been blessed to have shared and listened to the journeys of some amazing people.
Ordinary everyday people, but yet, so extraordinary.
My writings will mainly be real life stories (including spiritual issues) but also about lessons learnt. Splashed with lots of hope, faith and love :)
I am open to constructive, kind feedback. Feel free to post me any questions or comments.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)