I have loved God for nearly 11 years now. And during that time, in love with Him too. What do I mean by that?
Well, I've only had 1 serious relationship. And after that, I have been doing life as a fully alive, happy single with lots of friends. Of course, occasionally I would experience the pangs of wanting a boyfriend but it never lasted very long as my life was so full of God and people.
That is until I hit 26 years old. When I was in college, I had dreamed that I would be married at 27. But at 26 years, I was still nowhere near a serious relationship, let alone, a marriage. I suddenly realised that I had to get serious about meeting the right guys if I wanted to be married.
Don't get me wrong, I was always meeting plenty of nice, eligible guys. But since my focus was on serving God and helping others, I seldom spent my time getting to know them. And so, my friendships with them were on a "Hi!" and "Bye!" shallow basis.
At 26, it suddenly occurred to me that I could be single for the rest of my life...Was that what I wanted? I told myself, NO. If God called me to be single, then fine. But if I had a choice, NO.
This was when my struggles started. My struggles against God, against myself, against others.
I sincerely believed God loved me. And I loved Him. But why was it that other girls were having these amazing guys falling at their feet whilst there were none at mine?
Was I worthy of being in a relationship? Would I make a good girlfriend/wife or would it result in misery?
I decided firmly that I had to find some balance in my life. Time with serving God and friends but also time for searching for my guy.
As a result of my decision, I changed myself. A lot.
I dressed and behaved differently.
I gave up my career (which I felt was making me into someone difficult to live with).
I hung out with different people. And this last decision cost me a lot. It cost me many friends and earned me many tears.
The other side of the coin was, I did start getting to know nice, eligible guys. I enjoyed the new friendships. I loved the attention I got as I never had before.
This went on for about 3 years. And during this time, I lost myself.
I forgot my first love for God.
I forgot how beautiful God told me I was.
I simply forgot who God made me to be and who I already was.
Often, the laughter and fun that I had with my new friends hid the inner confusion and lost I felt.
But when you've been in love with God, you never forget it.
And you never can let it go.
And God knew. God sent a few special people to remind me of the girl I once had been. These people showed me true beauty, encouraged me, affirmed me, comforted me, excited me, gave me hope.
Once, I cried as I talked to a girl who was totally in love with God. I cried because I wanted to be like her again. I wanted to be in love with God again.
But I felt that God expected me to change myself back to a happy girl with lots of friends who didn't mind being single. I missed my intimate relationship with God but I knew that I did mind.
But God loves us more than we will ever know.
A man in love with God once wrote
"May your roots go down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love.
And may you have the power to understand,
as all God's people should,
how wide,
how long,
how high, and
how deep his love really is."
Ephesians 4:17-18.
Today, I told God that I wanted to come back to Him. I wanted Him first in my life again. God sent me another loving reminder. I was praying when God gave me the thought to read the words of Jeremiah 31. I knew God was speaking to me.
And as if God wanted to make sure that I understood, he reminded me in verse 20 "Is not Israel still my son, my darling child?" This question brought tears to my eyes. I had always seen myself as God's baby, his special little girl.
And this took my breath away. God said "I long for you..."
GOD LONGED FOR ME??? How could that be? Was it possible? That the God of the World and Heaven would long for me?
And my heart said Yes. God longs for us.
No comments:
Post a Comment